Carol managed our daughter's soccer team for many years. We've known the family since the girls were in 2nd grade. My God, they're teenagers now. She fought hard but she died young. She left behind a family and all her dreams for their futures.
Peggy lived just around the corner. I taught her son in my CCD classes. Our older daughters were best friends for years. We joked about our grandchildren playing together on the same block. She fought hard, but she died young. She will never hold the next generation in her arms.
Our husbands were friends and colleagues. Marilyn and I didn't get a chance to see each other often. She taught my daughter's sixth grade class. We both wanted to retire in Lake Tahoe and enjoy nature for the rest of our lives. She fought hard, but she died young. Her husband sold the 4X4.
Once again, I put on my black dress and sit amongst family and friends. I can't hold back the tears. I cry for my friends and the people who love them. I cry for the empty places at the table, the empty chairs at the graduation, the empty pews in the wedding chapel, and I cry for me.
What does God want from me? Is he expecting something from me that I can't possibly handle? Or did I make a deal with the devil that I don't remember? Why am I the one who survived?
Sixteen years ago, I was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer, which in normal circumstances is not life threatening when treated properly. My case was complicated. I was over 35 years old and three months pregnant. I knew God would never put a new life inside of me, only to take us both. We decided to continue the pregnancy and fight for both of us.
We fought through constant testing, medication, surgery in our third trimester, more testing, more medication, and premature birth and radiation treatments. We fought and we survived. But why us? We all had some form of Cancer. My friends fought hard and they died young. I have a beautiful 15-year-old daughter.
I call these feelings "The Curse of the Survivor". I know there are men, women and children all over the world who share my guilt, being the one who survived.
But...Shouldn't there be more of us?
lovendaisies (cd) © 2000
